victorbychance | OOC: Luceti Appointments

[He doesn't notice it at first. He's looking away. When out of the corner of his eye he sees something moving, he jumps--but it's just her, reaching for him. And when he takes her hand, everything falls apart.

If she lets him, he will wrap his arms around her and lie back with her on the bed, face buried in her hair, curling against her like a scared child. She doesn't understand, does she? That he's only okay because of her. That sleeping apart from her has been murder, but he does it because she won't let him into her room at night. He wakes up, unable to breathe, unable to move, unable to scream, without her weight in his arms to assure him she's okay, he hasn't failed, she's still alive, he hasn't lost her.

Has he lost her?]

[She lets him. It's awkward at first, a little stiff. Though she spent every night of the last week in his arms, that hadn't been her. Not really. It had been some strange hijacked version of herself. A girl happy with her life, with family and love.

Not her.

It's been months since the Quarter Quell. Since the last time she let him hold her. The last time she was actually able to. She's almost forgotten what it feels like, even as she has to remind herself that he own't kill her. She closes her eyes and wraps her arms around him in return. Clinging. Hoping he will forgive her.]

I'm sorry, Peeta.

[He simply breathes, frightened, tense but not shaking yet. There's more to the story. There's more, and his aching stomach has to hear it.]

You said I kept you from...hurting yourself. [He can't even bring himself to say it out loud.] Do I come back? Are we at least friends again?

[She notices it. The alteration in her phrase. The way he can't seem to mention her attempted death. Maybe she shouldn't be so surprised. His only goal in both games had been to keep her alive.

And how many times did she only wonder if she'd have to finally kill him?]

I think so. [She keeps her words quiet, trying to quell her own shaking fear.] You came back. Planted roses for Prim.

[It's better to know that, at least. But it doesn't lessen the terror, or the...yes, grief. Grief for a lost self. Preemptive, but there.]

I don't want to go home anymore.

[It's true. He doesn't want to go back to that, and he can't understand why Katniss thinks he'll be safer in Panem than he is here. Not anymore.]

[The threats in Panem are still threats she understands. Threats she knows how to fight. She still doesn't know how to counter the shifts. How to truly fight against the Malnosso's games. And keep them all safe.

She'll do everything in her power to keep Peeta safe. Fulfill the promise she had made to keep him alive even above her own life.

She snuggles closer, tries to hide her head against his chest.] It's a game. What choice do we have?

It's not a game. [He takes a deep breath.] It's not even the same world. There's no winner here, it's just life. More like everyday life in District Twelve than the arena.

[Oh, Peeta. Can't you see? This is as every much of a game as those they were forced to play in Panem. She's never stopped being a game piece. Neither has he.

She looks up at him, worry hardening her features.] Then what do you call last week?

A demonstration of power.

Just like all the games we've ever played.

[They've been about hunger. About death. About paying for crimes committed long ago in the past.

But there's no mistaking the fight for dominance. For power. Between the Capitol over the Districts. Between tributes in any given Game. Between Snow and Coin for the fate of Panem. The power can hold. She learned that lesson too late.]

Just like our whole lives before our names were ever drawn. And look--no one was hurt. No one was killed. It was scary afterwards, but we're okay. You and me. We're here, we're ourselves. Compared to what we've been through? That's a prank.

[He might be right. They aren't fighting to the death here. There are no Peacekeepers. No struggle to quench hunger. But he hasn't lived through it yet. His hijacking.

She shifts in his arms, trying to sit. Needing to look steadily at him.]

How can you be so calm after everything I just told you? It wasn't a prank. It was a hijacking!

I'm not calm. [Always the difference between being okay and being strong for her. Now, he can't act upset because it would upset her more which would upset him more...] I'm so scared I'm afraid to leave this room. But Katniss...I have to believe this place is better than what's waiting for me. [For the first time since he's arrived, tears mist his eyes.] I can't just...wait in dread. If this place isn't better, somehow, then there's no point. Nothing to live for. If all my future has to it is being turned into something I'm not, and being used against you? I'd rather not have one.

[She's his whole world. He had told her that much on the beach in the Quarter Quell. Words he hasn't spoken yet. Words she never allowed herself to forget. She can't have him talking about not wanting a future. Just like she couldn't bare to listen to him talk about how he'd die for her in that arena. She needs him too much. It would break her more to lose him than any hijacking every would.

Gently, she cups his cheek. Places her thumb to wipe away any tears that might fall. Even with Gale, it was never easy to be this vulnerable.]

I'm scared, too.

Edited 2012-06-09 04:04 (UTC)

[Has she never realized she's a survivor? That she, of anyone, has the least reason to be scared? A tear trickles down one temple and is caught by her thumb.]

Do you understand, then? I don't want to go back. Not to that. It's worse than dying.

[Surviving is the only thing she can do right. And even then, it's at what expense? That she'd really become so callous as to pick the boy she couldn't survive without?

She shakes her head.]

You get better.

[She thinks he does. There was that game. Real or not real. It had seemed to help back in the camp. He had had his time with Doctor Aurelius. They had begun to talk, almost normally, before she was pulled here.]

[A slight growl creeps into his voice.]

It's not like I have a choice, Katniss. Let me have this moment, okay? Nothing's really wrong yet. I'm me and you're you and everything that's going to happen beyond that doesn't matter. Don't even think about the Malnosso. Just you and me, and for now, we're okay.

[I'm me and you're you. He makes it sound so simple. As if that's all it ever really needs to be. The girl on fire and the boy with the bread. The star-crossed lovers from District 12. They don't need to play that role here. There are no sponsors to appeal to. No people to impress.

It's not what he's asking, either. He's just asking for comfort, isn't he? That comfort they had given each other on the victory tour. Throughout the Quarter Quell. It was meant for no one but themselves. But, still, the star-crossed lovers are the first thing that comes to mind.

There's nothing to stop the glimmer of fear that crosses her face. She looks down at the scars, still so visible on her arms.] I'm not the girl you remember.

No. [But he doesn't let go, or even loosen his hold.] But you're Katniss. Maybe there's more to you than I remember, but you're still you.

[And once again, he makes it sound so simple. He hadn't seen the Mockingjay. Hadn't seen the fire mutt that killed in cold blood.

It's not so easy for her.] How do you know?

Because you can't be anyone else. However you've changed, you're still you. And you're still more important to me than anything.

[So, so simple. Life can go on for him. It can always go one for him, no the losses. No matter how bad everything's been before.

She doesn't deserve him. This. But she's selfish enough to accept it. She tightens her grip on him.] I don't want you to leave.

[He relaxes in her arms then. No more arguing about what's best for him. Finally, she understands that going home is the worst thing that can happen to him right now.]

I love you. The real me could never stop loving you, okay?

[She knows that. If his words were to believed once, he's loved her since their first day of school. But knowing that and hearing it aloud. It's not the same thing. Not at all. Especially after long resigning herself to accepting that Peeta might never love her again.

She stills in his arms. Freezes like any prey caught in sight of her arrow. Her heart thumps loudly in her chest. But she can barely leave, let alone speak.]

[He hesitates.]

Sorry.

[Not for loving her, or even for saying it. For saying it when she's not ready. For not perceiving that she's not ready.]

OOC: Luceti Appointments

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